


Our Little Everyday Deaths

by JustAnImaginativeRavenclaw



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 70's, Cannibalism, Drugs, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Multi, Murder, Yaoi, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:54:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22530556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnImaginativeRavenclaw/pseuds/JustAnImaginativeRavenclaw
Summary: As Remus gradually loses his mind, James launches into an all-out war against the Slytherins, especially Severus Snape.Sirius flees his family problems with drugs and 70's Muggle music and Peter, desperately trying to save the situation, wonders what the hell he is still doing with them.Warning : Yaoi, murders, drugs and Rock n Roll
Relationships: James Potter/Severus Snape, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 13
Kudos: 53





	1. A Fire Devours Another

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been corrected and replaced.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters. I just like to make them suffer!
> 
> Special thanks to my beta, SleepyEnigma. You did a fantastic job! And thanks to Amelia-Queen-Black for final corrections.
> 
> Thanks also to Amelia-Queen-Black and Eileen Almanach for helping me with the original text (in French) and the storyboard.
> 
> This being my first fic, feel free to comment and tell me what you think about it. Any opinion is welcome!

_"I am seen, therefore I am"_

**Jean-Paul Sartre**

The smell of meat disgusted him.

That in itself was not surprising. It was only a week before the full moon, and his senses were sharpened to the point of sickness. The light stung his eyes, the acrid smoke of the potions inflamed his throat **.** He couldn't even attend herbology class since they were studying mandrakes, their piercing screams made him pass out despite wearing earmuffs.

No. Really. It was exhausting.

But the worst part was the smell of meat.

Dining in the Great Hall had become a burden, even away from the table. He smelled it, behind the greasy sauces, this toxic stench which was forced down his throat and permeated his clothes.

So gross.

A chain of sausages created by the summoning charm of a third-year passed under his nose and made him gag, his hands dropping his cutlery to cover his mouth.

No. He was definitely not okay.

‘’Remus?’’

Bending over the table, Peter was staring at him with little round eyes.

‘’Remus, are you alright?’’

No.

‘’Yes.’’

They were too far apart for Remus to sniff him out. But he was sure Peter stank too. He'd seen him stuffing his face with roast beef during dinner. The mere thought made him nauseous and he got up awkwardly, grabbing his robe while fleeing from his friend's gaze.

‘’I just... I just need to take a walk outside.’’

And without giving Peter time to answer, he staggered away from the Gryffindor table.

The weak candlelight gave him the impression of having blurred sight as violent shivers ran down his spine. He knew he had to go to the infirmary. He knew he had to see Madam Pomfrey.

Yet, his footsteps carried him in the opposite direction.

His whole body was ordering him to get out of the castle.

_________________________

The closer he got to the exit, the more he smelled them.

The heady scents from outside.

He had taken the passage behind one of the portraits on the 4th floor, to not be noticed. Heads had turned his way as he left the Great Hall, especially those from Slytherin. With them, a marauder alone was never safe.

A draft caressed his sweat-soaked face, and for a few seconds, he felt invigorated. Accelerating his pace, he finally came out of the underground passage, landing in the boathouse right by the lake. It had rained, and everything was glittering now. Remus gazed out over the small rowboats that were suspended or moored, closing his eyes to breathe deeply the smell of old wood that emanated from them. He felt like he was healing.

The setting sun bathed the lake in an orange, autumnal light, in harmony with the intoxicating aromas that now tickled his nostrils.

Moss, pine needles, petrichor and geosmin.

The Gryffindor walked for a while along the shores of the lake, nose to the wind, before finally making his way back to the castle. He could distinguish in the air a resinous odor, strong perfumes which diverted him from the path. He was surprised to find himself climbing the rocks. His fingers were slippery against the wet stones. His lips grazed the granite and a metallic taste filled his mouth.

It was nice, feeling cold while sliding across the rocks.

He climbed for a long time before smelling the undergrowth and its bark fragrances again. Hurrying, he left the rocks and moved towards what seemed to be a small pond at the top of a mound, not far from the quidditch field. The trees that framed it had already lost their leaves, creating a skillful painting of red and amber around the water.

His legs bent by themselves, making him fall to his knees before he laid on his stomach, chin and hands in the mud, his nose resting on the lichens whose woody notes made his head spin. Slowly his lips curled, his teeth gnawed at the surface. The moss took hold of his tongue, and he straightened up, rubbing it against his palate.

It was exquisite.

He heard voices in the distance. A group of students - he thought he recognized the blue uniform of the Ravenclaws - was walking towards the stadium, broomsticks in hand. One of them raised his head in his direction and stopped. Damn. Had he seen him?

His instincts told him to throw himself to the ground and this time he ended up landing in the pond, the icy water flooding his face. He yelped, letting a few bubbles of air rise to the surface before holding his breath.No one was supposed to see him. Not like that. Not in that state.

It was his moment.

He waited as long as he could, the water soaked his clothes until it came to freeze his arms, shoulders, and ribs. He shivered, his nose buried in the dirt. Then his whole body trembled but he didn't dare get up.It was only when his lungs were empty that he stood up, suffocating, his eyes fixed on the branches of the trees. He hesitated for a moment before glancing back towards the lawn.

The students had disappeared. He was alone again. Wet and cold, but alone.

He breathed a sigh of relief. His body weighed by the water, he laid down again into the pond, his hands supporting his head. The icy wave made him sleepy, his temples throbbed as his eyes dreamily observed the concentric ripples forming around him. His belly was too warm compared to the rest of his body, and he eventually amended this by taking a small sip of chilled water. It had the taste and color of clay.

A few curious tadpoles came to visit him, rubbing against his lips. Remus stared at them for a long time, motionless, before finally gently opening his mouth, letting the larvae pass between his teeth to taste his gums. He felt their flabby bodies against his tongue and the inside of his cheeks.

So exciting.

His jaws contracted sharply, crushing them before swallowing everything.

Woods have their timeless tastes and smells. It is the only place that still makes you understand that Man comes from Nature.

Sooner or later, He will return home.

______________________________________________________________________________

Seeing him smile awakened all sorts of sordid feelings in James.

He wasn't supposed to be this happy. Not with what happened this morning in potions class. Not after the humiliation he and Sirius had put him through.

\----------

Remus had been unable to attend Slughorn's test, leaving them in a panic in front of their cauldron. Usually, he'd get behind them with Peter to help with their preparations,minimizing the damage. But today, the two best friends had found themselves completely lost, and soon their potion turned into a revolting mush that eventually burst in their faces to the greatest delight of the Slytherins. Severus Snape, in particular, was quick to burst out laughing and threw acidic remarks in their faces, in an infuriating way only he knew how.

‘’Say that again and I'll drown you in it, Snivellus!’’ barked Sirius, scowling at him.

Snape replied with a sly smile.

‘’It seems that when the brain of the gang isn't here, it's immediately a mess. And I thought you and Potter were the leaders. Why isn't Lupin here, by the way? Is he sick again? Don't you think it's your stupidity that's exhausting him? If that’s the case you'll surely end up killing him.’’

‘’SnivelIus! I swear I'm going to…’'

Sirius's threats were interrupted by Slughorn, who was coming out of the storeroom with vials in his hands.

“Come on, children!I can hear you shouting from over there, what's that-”

His nose wrinkled, sniffing the air for a moment before he looked for the cause of the foul smell that was spreading in the dungeon. He finally came upon James and Sirius, covered with the viscous liquid.

‘’Merlin's beard! It's abominable!How could you have failed that potion so dreadfully? From the smell alone I can tell you that none and I mean none, of the ingredients are correctly used!’’

‘’I'm sorry, Professor,’’ tried James, ’’If you give us another chance…’'

‘’Oh, no. I think you've done enough for today, no more brewing and certainly no magic. Here, there are mops in the back of the classroom so please, be nice and clean up this mess.’’

Sniggers were heard from all over the classroom and James thought he saw Slughorn sneer for a few seconds. Sirius blushed with anger.

‘’Damned snakes.’’ He whispered to himself.

Both had to get up and walk across the room. James looked up at Evans and saw that the girl was laughing at him too. It was his turn to turn red, a deep sense of shame filling him. And to top it all, Snape threw them mocking glances as Slughorn complimented his concoction.

‘’Look at him’’ James whispered to Sirius, ‘’I'm sure the bastard made the best potion.’’

It wouldn't be a surprise, he excelled at it.

Sirius seemed disgusted, staring at Snape, his desk, the shelves next to it, before his face lit up. James knew that expression too well. He had an idea.

‘’What do you suggest, Padfoot?’’

His friend didn't even answer, his wand already discreetly pointed at the racks. He cast a spell, just a tiny, silent spell that barely moved the overloaded boxes on the top shelf. Boxes that tumbled down, taking with them the lower levels, all covered with all kinds of ingredients that eventually fell into the Slytherin's cauldron. 

First, there was a strange light, then an explosion and finally flames. They were bright blue, big, beautiful, glittering.

And they were devouring the body of their nemesis.

He was struggling, screaming, frantically starting to take off his uniform in front of the class.

The students were pushing each other in all directions, forming a tumultuous mob.

Slughorn shouted, wand in hand, trying to extinguish the flames that seemed to only attack Snape, sparing the furniture and his classmates. Sirius tried to grab James' wrist and drag him across the room, but James stopped him, getting as close as possible to the fire. The vision was horrifying but he couldn't look away.

The Slytherin was tearing off his clothes, screaming like an animal, every inch of tissue removed revealing a skin that was burned, but above all covered with scars, of all shapes and colors as well.

Fuck.

What the hell happened to him?

Snape desperate struggle against the fire had led him to take off his cape, his sweater and then his shirt.James watched him scramble towards the door, as the flames continued to burn his thighs.

He was escaping.

While yelping in pain, he had opened the door of the dungeon to go down the corridor, his complaints soon attracting many students who watched him twist and creep to the ground as he desperately tried to undo his trousers.

James had thoughtlessly followed him.He couldn't help it. He wanted to understand. He wanted to see.

Snape, who, after clumsily removing his belt, rolled to the ground.

Snape, who, after tearing off his pants, whimpered without stopping.

 _Severus_ , who, after sliding his boxers along his skinny legs, crawled on all fours on the wet cobblestones.

His white and pink skin. His white and pink skin completely exposed as he writhed along the floor. His thin legs. His flat buttocks. Everything. 

This disgusting image that was now vividly engraved in his pupils.

He wanted to puke.

‘’SEV!’’

Lily walked past him, shoving him. With her cape in her hand, she rushed to Severus to cover his body with a rapid gesture.

‘’Don't worry, Severus! I'm here! I'm here!’’

Her screams brought James back to reality. His gaze fell once more on the Slytherin before watching the crowd that had gathered in the corridor.

Fuck.

They were in deep shit.

He ignored Slughorn, who was also running to his pupil, and looked for Sirius. The other boy was standing outside the classroom door, panicked.

They could only hope that no one had seen them.

\----------

As a result, the Slytherin was urgently transferred to the infirmary.

Sirius and James didn't discuss the event with each other or other students. Despite their hatred of Snape, the incident seemed to have been classified as a taboo subject, best forgotten. 

And then, against all odds, after finding himself naked in front of half of his house, Big Nose was there, all dressed up, pretending that nothing had happened with his little friends.

But, really, how was that possible?

Big Nose with his skinny, scarred body.

His white and pink skin.

The scene was stuck in his head since this morning, sometimes filling his mouth with bile.

‘’Hey, James? Did you see how Remus left in a hurry? I don't think he's doing very well.’’

James didn't even answer Peter, his eyes still fixed on Snape. He suddenly had the impression that, despite their constant bullying, he'd managed to open up to others, to make a place for himself in his house, to blossom.

A foul and repulsive little flower.

He had to uproot it.


	2. The Storm Before The Calm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters. I just like to make them suffer!
> 
> Special thanks to SleepyEnigma. Here again, you did a fantastic job! And thanks to Amelia-Queen-Black for final corrections.
> 
> Thanks also to Amelia-Queen-Black and Eileen Almanach for helping me with the original text (in French) and the storyboard.
> 
> Feel free to comment and tell me what you think about it. Any opinion is welcome!

" _Strike still, Jupiter, overwhelm me, mutilate_

_The fallen enemy you know helpless!_

_Crushing is not overcoming, and your useless lightning_

_Will be extinguished in my blood_ "

**Louise Ackermann, Prometheus**

Snape had been in the infirmary for almost a full day, much longer than it took to let the news spread throughout the school. _Snape, after an unfortunate incident in potion class, caught fire and ended up crawling bare-assed through the Slytherin corridor._ Enough to hide in the dungeons until the OWLs.

Yet, when he had returned to the Great Hall for dinner, he had ignored the sudden silence with a dignity that James had never known. He disregarded the pointed fingers, mocking grins, pitying glances but also the compassionate smiles.

Even more surprisingly, all the Slytherins supported him. No taunting or sneers seemed to come from them. They suddenly appeared as a strong, close-knit clan, which was sure to confuse the other houses. 

At first, he thought it was absurd.

Then he understood.

It wasn't Snape people respected. It was the people who were around him. The Slytherin, although appreciated by his peers, had always appeared to James as a lonely boy. But the situation seemed to have changed since the start of the school year. He was now often seen in the company of other students, who happened to be older. And now the Black sisters and the Slytherin prefect, Lucius Malfoy, had joined the group.

He looked for a moment at the pinched faces of Narcissa and Bellatrix Black, whose reputation as little pests were well established, and at the delicate profile of Malfoy, who had leaned over to Snape to whisper something in his ear.

Merlin's beard! Was it him, or had Snivellus just blushed? 

No. It was ridiculous.

...No, he wasn't dreaming. With his eyes staring at his plate and a silly smile stuck to his face, Snape and his big nose looked like they were in heaven.

So Snivellus was a member of the Malfoy fan club? It wasn't that surprising after all...

Then why was it pissing him off?

"James!"

‘’Sirius.’’

Sirius raised an eyebrow at his best friend's coldness.

‘’Um... You okay?’’

‘’I'm fine.’’

James hadn't even looked at him, his eyes still fixed on Snape. He and Lucius had stopped talking, but the dark-haired boy still seemed troubled.

What the hell did he say to him?

Sirius asked him a new question that he didn't pay attention to, leaving it to Peter. Who was that guy next to Bellatrix?

‘’Sirius, can you tell me who's sitting next to Snivellus and your cousins?’’

It was Wormtail who answered, obviously embarrassed.

“James... He's gone.”

There was a slight silence, James not reacting. Peter continued,

“But I believe his name is Rodolphus Lestrange…”

“Ah!”

This time the Gryffindor turned to his friend, all smiles.

“Peter. We're going to team up, you and I.”

\----------------

Between them, they had finally managed to identify them all; Rodolphus Lestrange, Alvy Avery, William Wilkes, Evan Rosier, and Mulciber Fabre. Pure-blood wizards who were fond of dark magic. So far, there was nothing strange. No, what was really surprising was the way they all suddenly gathered together. Something must have happened that summer outside Hogwarts. Something that didn't bode well, especially if it had ended up attracting the entire Black family, Regulus joined the small group to sit next to Bellatrix, who welcomed him with a warm pat on the shoulder.

‘’I don't know what they're all doing together, but it's suspicious. We're gonna have to keep an eye on them, Peter.’’

‘’You, uh... Are you sure, James? Well, I mean... Maybe they're just friends.’’

James rolled his eyes before he laid them on his close friend, looking annoyed.

‘’Just friends? That bunch of psychos? They're up to something really bad. Look, because of them no one's laughing at Big Nose! That means they're scaring the other Slytherins! And if they can do that, they're dangerous! ‘’

Peter studied him for a long time before answering.

‘’I get the feeling that their support for Snape is bothering you.’’

James slammed his fist on the table far too aggressively.

‘’Of course, it’s bothering me! Look at him pandering to Malfoy and his fucking peroxide hair! Seriously, it can't be that white! And Snivellus smiling like a complete idiot next to him!’’

‘’James...’'

‘’Look! Look how he smiles, as if nothing had happened, with his skinny white body and his little ribs sticking out. You should see them bend like an accordion when he crawls, it's fascinating…’’

Peter didn't answer, merely giving James a worried sidelong glance. He cleared his throat to show his discomfort, but the other Gryffindor ignored him and suddenly straightened up.

‘’They're getting up. Wormtail. Come on. We must follow them!’’

‘’But I haven't even finished my…’'

The look on James' face dissuaded him from finishing his sentence. With a discreet sigh, he followed the leader of the marauders.

\----------------

The two companions had followed the group of Slytherins to the stairs of the Great Hall, which were particularly agitated that evening, constantly changing, in all directions.

"Damn it," whispered James, "How are we going to keep them from noticing us? If we let them get too far away we might lose them. If we get too close, they’ll see us."

"We can't take that risk," Peter replied, looking frightened. If they find out we're following them, it could get out of hand. There are too many of them."

"I know," murmured James, "we'll let them get a little further away and see where they stop..."

"Maybe they're just going to their dungeon... "

"Since when do Slytherins use the main stairs to get to their dungeon, Wormtail? "

"Since I'm afraid of being the target of ten aspiring dark mages... "

James was astonished by his friend's repartee, but made no remarks, simply watching the small group take one stairway and then another.

"Looks like they're heading for the seventh floor... "

They took the first staircase, James standing at the top of the steps, stretching out his neck to observe the direction taken by the Slytherins. They were indeed heading for the stairs leading to the top floor of the castle.

"What the hell are they doing up there? There's nothing on the seventh floor except the entrance to our common room."

"Maybe they're going to the reading room. "

"The reading room?"

"By Merlin, James, don’t you study once in a while? Don’t you know there is a study room on our floor?"

" I, uh... Well..."

Peter was definitely spending too much time with Remus. He had perfectly replicated the exasperated look of the werewolf. James felt like an idiot. Maybe they were just going to study together.

Yet, something felt off.

When they got to the seventh floor, they found the hallway empty. Peter pointed to the door of the study room and the two boys slid in, to find no one.Well, there were two Ravenclaws chatting in a corner of the room, but other than that, there wasn’t any sign of Severus and his gang. James scratched his neck, puzzled, before questioning the students.

"Hey, you two didn't see any Slytherins?"

The students looked at them, intrigued, before they shook their heads. Peter remained silent, watching James. The latter, becoming more and more frustrated, insisted on a tour of the reading room.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

They left the room, confused. Peter not letting go of his gaze of the other marauder who was rubbing the back of his neck, visibly upset.

‘’James…’’

‘’It’s impossible!’’

The dark-haired boy rushed to the end of the corridor, hoping to find some secret entrance in the walls. But he didn't find anything. Except a tapestry depicting Barnabas The Obtuse's attempt of teaching ballet to trolls. A ridiculous experiment, which, of course, ended in bloody failure. It was one of the few things he had learned in his History of Magic class.

Maybe...

He slowly lifted the tapestry.

Nothing. Still Nothing.

It was infuriating.

He swore before randomly throwing a _Dissendium_ , which didn’t reveal any hidden passageways.

‘’Merlin! This is unbelievable!’’

There had to be a secret passageway somewhere. Another one they didn't know about. This castle was definitely too big. Even in fifth-year, they had a hard time getting to know every corner of it. If only there was a map, a magical map that would show all the rooms in the castle, even the most secret ones. A map that could even indicate the location of the teachers, the students. A map that would make it possible to keep track of everyone.

Holy Gargoyle... That wasn't such a bad idea.

‘’Wormtail.’’

‘’Yes?’’

‘’Let's go to the library.’’

‘’Don't you want to stay here, see if they show up again?’’

‘’No. We don't know where they are. They'll probably come out somewhere else in the castle. We'll follow them better next time. In the meantime, I've just had an idea. And I want to know if it's possible.‘’

\---------------

James and Peter had borrowed all the manuscripts related to cartography they could find as well as books on advanced spells. After launching a _Leviosa_ , they were on their way back to the 7th floor, followed by two huge piles of books.

When they passed Lily Evans, accompanied by Mary MacDonald, the redhead couldn't help but widen her eyes, stunned by the sight before her.

‘’Well, well, well. And I thought only Remus could read…’'

The parallel between Lily's insulting jokes and Snape's were becoming more and more obvious. She seemed to realize it as she apologized immediately.

‘’I'm sorry. I just wanted to say something funny…’’

The young animagus observed her face for a moment, initially ready to reply before finally giving up.

The way she smiled and looked at them, Lily was sad.

His insides twisted. Was it what happened to Snape that got her in such a state? Did she suspect him of anything?No, if she had, she would have thrown herself at his throat by now.

Lily became silent, and neither Peter nor James dared to restart the conversation, standing in front of her with their arms dangling. Mary finally cleared her throat and Lily seemed to come back to herself, apologizing again before heading toward the stairs. She climbed a few steps before turning around. 

‘’James, Peter, I just wanted to tell you... For Severus…‘’

James' stomach contracted again.

‘’We're sorry for what happened to him. Even he doesn't deserve this”

That remained to be proven. But it was better to say what Lily wanted to hear. She gently nodded her head, gazing at her feet for a moment before resuming,

‘’Well, you shouldn’t be so mean... I know you don't like him, I can understand why, but you don't know what he goes through when he's not at Hog-’’

She didn't have time to finish when Snape walked into the hall, Mulciber on his heels.

Although Snape shyly smiled at the redhead, his face marbled into coldness at the sight of James, their eyes making brief contact before he looked away. It was rare that he did not maintain his glare.

Wondering why the Slytherin’s usual murderous gaze wasn’t directed at him, James became even more confused when he realised that Snape was right in front of him, blocking his path. Mulling over his confusion, it was Mulciber's curt voice that brought him back to reality.

‘’Potter, in case you haven't noticed, you and your little friends are in the way. Get your books out of the path.’’

The Gryffindor looked up at him. The sixth-grader looked like a bodybuilder with a cherub's head plastered on. Tall and strong but with a baby face and curly blond hair that formed a nimbus around his head.

James hesitated for a moment before looking again at Snape who persisted in ignoring him.

Was that proof that this morning's drama wasn't just a dream?

He'd come to doubt it.

Was Snape avoiding him because he was ashamed? Was he aware that he'd followed him down the hall? That he'd seen all of it? Did he miss this vital information? He, James Potter, his lifelong enemy, had watched him crawl naked through the corridors.

Maybe he didn't know about this...

He had to tell him.

‘’Of course Mulciber. We're leaving right now. Oh, by the way, Severus, great show this morning. I loved the pyrotechnic effects. Your ghoul imitation was pretty good too, but they're not as ugly in general. And a little better dressed too…’' 

He barely had time to laugh when a violent blow hit him in the nose. Severus' forehead had just crashed into his face. Shit. He hadn't thought the Slytherin would attack him physically. He had put his hand on his wand, ready to draw.

‘’JAMES! SEVERUS!’’

Lily tried to interfere but Mulciber pulled her away with a violent swing of his arm, knocking her to the ground. Severus charged James again, rushing at him and tipping them over the railing of the stairs.

There was a brief fall, followed by a scream.

James opened his eyes. His nose hurt like hell and he had blood in his mouth. A few feet ahead of him, Peter was leaning over the railing with his wand pointing in his direction.Was he levitating? He couldn't feel the ground.

A new scream rang out and he saw Lily's red head almost fall down the stairs.

‘’SEVERUS! SEVERUS!’’

She was rushing downstairs.James turned his head as best he could.

Ah...

He could see it now. A few floors down.

The lean body of Severus, folded on itself like a spider, in a pool of blood.

Holy shit. This time he'd really fucked up.

___________________________________________________

He suddenly opened his eyes and stood up to vomit mud.The mixture of bile and dirt had a foul taste and texture. Remus took a long time to barf it out.

The small pond had doubled in size after a torrential rainstorm and almost swallowed him.But Remus didn't know that. He couldn't remember the smells or the rocks.He had forgotten the moss and the bark.

The lichen and the roots.

Lost in the middle of the water, deep in the night and far from the lights of the castle, he just felt as if he was swimming in the void.A thunderclap resounded in the distance, ending the silence, and the rain fell again.It was salutary at first, Remus sighed with pleasure as he lifted his chin, letting the large drops pour down on his face, removing the taste of gall from his mouth.But soon the rain turned into a deluge and his instinct urged him to take shelter. 

The Gryffindor tried to lean on his hands to get up, but they refused to move. They were blue and swollen. Water and cold had stiffened and wrinkled them. Until they cracked.He seemed to be frozen.

Frozen...

He was frozen. 

Remus groaned. He seemed to have reconnected with the world and the world was hurting him. He could feel it now, the bite of the icy air on his body. The storm was rushing through the wet stitches of his uniform to devour his flesh.

If he stayed there, he was going to die.

A lightning bolt crossed the sky, followed by another that struck one of the pillars of the Quidditch Stadium.Remus yelped. He had to get out of that place.

He tried to straighten up but instantly lost his balance, his feet slipping in the mud. The Gryffindor whimpered in despair before resolving to crawl clumsily towards the shore, his face half submerged, almost drowning at every movement. Violent gusts of wind and worn out muscles frustratingly impeded his retreat, sometimes forcing him to pause as he hugged his knees tightly to his chest. If he could, he would have screamed. But his tight throat only let out shallow sighs that were immediately stifled by the storm.

He finally managed to get out of the swamp, his elbows digging into the earth and dragging his body to the shore. He emptied his lungs of the viscous swamp water that had filled them and found shelter under a large rock, his muddy body merging with the dirt that covered the edges of the pond.

He shivered against the stone for a few moments, tensing with each new thunderclap before a sharp pain sliced through him, more acute than all the others.Something in his pocket was piercing his ribs.Grumbling, the teenager tried to contort himself to grasp the object, his torpid fingers managing only after many attempts to grip what seemed to be a long piece of wood.

A long piece of wood...What the hell was it doing there?

Remus brought it to his face, watching it for a moment, confused, before his pupils opened wide.

A wand.

It was a wand.

A sudden heat invaded his body and he managed to draw on his last strength to stand in the middle of the storm, his eyes still riveted on the object.

With that he could do anything. He could go back to the castle. A spell. All he had to do was cast a spell...

A spell...

A spell...

He had to find it. Deep in his numb mind. He had to find a spell. A useful spell... Just something to find his way back in the darkness... Create a little light...A small light…

''...Lumos.''

Despite his strangled, almost inaudible voice and vague gesture, a bluish glow appeared at the end of his wand. Remus felt tears of happiness slide down his already wet cheeks and tried to utter a _‘thank you’_ which was lost in violent sobs. His swollen hand had brought the wand against him and he refused to take his eyes off the light for fear it would disappear.

Finally... he was going to be able to go home. To end this nightmare.

A slight smile sprang from his purple lips and with new strength, he walked toward a gentle slope that led to the castle. His trembling hand was holding the wand before him when he suddenly froze.

Below, a creature was watching him.


	3. Ágios Christóforos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a long time to write this chapter. But since it's as big as the other two together, we can say that it's two chapters in one.
> 
> Once again I would like to thank Amelia-Queen-Black and Eileen Almanach for helping me with the French version as well as fadingintostarlight for correcting the English version. You did a great job!
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. If you liked it or if you have any criticisms to make, don't hesitate to leave a comment!

« _Love, after all, is just a higher curiosity, an appetite for the unknown that pushes you in the storm, open chest and head forward._ »

**Gustave Flaubert**

The terror that had suddenly invaded him made him cry again. Despite the dark night and the storm, he could clearly distinguish it. That monstrous dog's head, resting on a bipedal body.

"I... I just don't understand..."

That was all Remus managed to say, staring at the creature that had stopped at the bottom of the slope, a few meters away from him.

A werewolf.

He felt like he was in the middle of a nightmare.

How long had he been passed out? Had he been there for several days? Was it a full moon? Why wasn't he transformed?

He held a trembling hand to his muddy face. He still had human features.

How was that possible?

The beast howled and all coherent thought left him.

The creature was moving.

And it was coming towards him.

Remus' body flipped automatically, and he fled, circumventing the pond. He almost slipped through the mud, but barely caught up with a tree and went downhill towards the forbidden forest. His heart was beating fast and the tears that now filled his eyes prevented him from seeing clearly. Yet he ran like crazy, in a straight line. A new heat was coming over him, the tiredness was gone.

Suddenly he was a rag doll, animated and guided by a delirious fear.

A yelp caught his attention and he turned around briefly to see that the creature had slipped down the slope before he himself stumbled against a stone. He reflexively threw his arms forward and cushioned his fall as a creak was heard. Remus lowered his eyes, only for him to find his wand.

Holy shit. His wand.

The shock had half fractured it, but Remus didn't have time to worry about it, content to think of a spell as quickly as possible. A spell. A spell, damn it, a spell!

Oh, yes!

" _Stupe_..."

Remus had turned, his wand pointed at the beast. But he couldn't cast his spell. What he had before him was... terrifying.

Moaning, the creature had settled on itself and its body seemed to be constantly deforming, like a never-ending transformation. Its head got bigger and smaller. Hair grew on its body before disappearing and claws split its nails before burrowing back into its flesh.

Remus' heart almost stopped, and he stood up, haggard, unable to take his eyes off the thing. Then for a short moment he thought he recognized it, between two transformations. That hideous face, with its flat nose and shining eyes.

The one he'd seen outside his window and then in his bed. Ten years ago, now.

Greyback.

The creature gave a hoarse cry before standing upright, its features turned canine again, and Remus felt a warm liquid running down his thighs.

"Leave me alone…"

He took three steps back before pointing his wand at it, his voice becoming a light sob.

"Leave me alone…"

The monster stopped, watching him, seeming to hesitate before one of its arms reached out to him. The action filled Remus with horror, and he made a sharp movement to cast a spell.

" _Stupefy_!"

His wand reddened and warmed between his fingers, but nothing happened. Only the wide slit that his fall had caused glowed.

Shit.

The werewolf continued to move slowly, still reaching that arm that strangely seemed human in his direction. But Remus wasn't looking at it. He was too busy searching for spells as he cried in fear. Then suddenly, epiphany came. His mind appeared to have decided to work again, and three spells came back to him in quick succession.

" _Locomotor Wibbly! Incarcerem! Nebulus_!"

His abrupt movements and broken wand made the first spell fail and weakened the second one, a simple string coming to grip the legs of the beast. But the third spell worked, and a thick fog invaded the forest's edges. Remus took the opportunity to escape, leaving his assailant struggling with his bonds as he disappeared between the trees.

He didn't really know where to go, but it didn't matter to him. Perhaps if he could escape until dawn he would be saved. Maybe his disappearance would be noticed, and help would eventually be sent to him. Maybe his friends would come looking for him...

He just wanted someone. So he wouldn't die alone.

A branch cracked, and Remus turned around to see the silhouette of the monster in the fog. It seemed to be holding something in his hand, but more importantly, it didn't seem to have seen him yet. Perhaps this was his chance.

" _Stupefy_!"

The spell almost made his wand explode, went askew and bounced against the trees before getting lost in the depths of the forest. The wolf's maw turned towards him and for a moment he held up what seemed to be... A wand?

What the hell was that?

A spell passed within inches of him and Remus screamed, starting to run again. He couldn't understand anything anymore. His feverish mind was struggling to gather information. So, he just ran away, zigzagging between the trunks, wand in hand, casting all the spells that went through his head.

It was a real fireworks display.

 _Stupefy, Nebulus, Petrificus Totalus_... And soon _Bombarda_ , directly followed by _Bombarda Maxima_.

It was a big mistake.

The spells, cast in spades, bounced in all directions, igniting the trees, making everything explode in their path. His cracked wand and his terror had not gone well. They had created a fire monster, a fire worthy of a Firedeymon spell.

Despite the rain the flames grew, began to eat the forest and soon their acrid smoke replaced the fog. Remus was yelping sharply as he now tried to escape from both the beast and the fire.

He never thought it would end like this. That he would die like this.

He'd always been afraid of blazes.

He threw a _Periculum_ and red sparks flew above the treetops, indicating his distress and his position, but he continued to move forward. He wouldn't stop, he couldn't stop. Otherwise, he would be devoured. As much by the fire as by the threatening figure that was trying to follow him, screaming between the now glowing trees as it tried to reach him.

He didn't want to feel any more bites on his body. No warmth on his tender thigh, scarred since he was five years old and now throbbing as he moved as fast as he could, passing over old stumps as he tried to cross the forest.

A flaming branch blocked his way and he screamed, trying to find another path.

He yelled again when he saw the beast on the other side of the fire, his eyes wide open, his mouth deformed by fright. Holding out the wand, he threw a spell on it. The first that came to his mind.

" _Crucio_! _Crucio_! _Crucio_!"

If the creature fell to the ground squealing in the first two spells, it was Remus who collapsed in pain in the third. His wand had turned the spell against him. His sight became blurred as a sharp pain took hold of his body, his ankles twisted, his fists clenched until his nails penetrated his flesh. His heart nearly exploded, and his eyes rolled back.

He felt like he was dying.

After a time that seemed infinite, the pain began to fade and, exhausted and confused, Remus straightened as best he could. His vision was doubled, his pupils dilated as he tried to focus on his opponent, who continued to whine on the ground as he backed away, paying no attention to where his feet were resting.

It was never going to end.

He had to...

He had to...

"A... Ava... Avada..."

He didn't have time to finish. He stumbled on a root before falling down a long slope. He ended up in a ditch, his head hitting a big rock.

If only...

If only someone...

"...Help me."

\----------

When he opened his eyes again, someone was holding him. He couldn't see clearly, but he recognized his scent. That musky smell, at once powerful and comforting...

"Sirius..."

"Remus..."

The Gryffindor's trembling hand rested on his friend's as he continued to speak, mumbling at times, no longer having the strength to articulate.

"Sirius, we have to get out of here... There's a monster..."

"Remus..."

"There's another werewolf... Just like me..."

"No, Remus…"

"I think it's Greyback... We have to escape... And the fire…"

Remus' eyes, which had remained half-closed, shut and he lost consciousness again, not hearing the last words of his friend who was beginning to sob.

"It was me, Remus. It was me..."

______________________________________________________________________________

Unlike James, for whom the morning incident had brought out a whole new set of emotions, Sirius had emerged unscathed from the situation.

Of course, he'd been freaked out for most of the morning. But, when he saw that no one suspected him, he relaxed and told anyone who would listen how Snivellus had made a fool of himself in public, each time punctuating his story with cruel mockery.

He had finally had an excellent day and it was with great enthusiasm that he entered the Great Hall, as fit as a fiddle and determined to meet his friends for dinner.

"James!"

"Sirius."

James' coldness surprised him. Sirius glanced at Peter, who gave him an embarrassed smile, and then looked at his best friend again, simply asking, "You okay?"

"I'm fine."

Okay, James seemed really... gloomy. Was it because of him? Was he pissed off at him for what he did in Potions? Okay, it was dumb, but come on...It wasn't a reason. It was only Snivellus after all. It was no big deal...

He instinctively looked for Remus, wondering if the other Gryffindor was also sulking, but couldn't find him.

"Where is Remus?"

James didn't even deign to answer him this time. It was Peter who did it.

"He left five minutes ago. He didn't look well at all..."

Sirius frowned. They let Remus leave on his own? A week before the full moon? But they were complete fools! They knew very well that Remus was fragile during that time. He could faint, fall or hurt himself! He gave Peter a disapproving glance before turning away. Anyway, considering the grim atmosphere at the marauder's table, it was better to go in search of Remus. And hope he hadn't already collapsed somewhere in the castle.

No, really... It wasn't a good idea to leave him alone.

Over the past year, his condition had worsened. Remus was suffering more and more. He nearly smashedhis temple against a table when he fainted, and during the summer he had passed out several times because of the heat.

He could still see him in his arms, pale as death, as he hurried to take him to the Potters' mansion, desperately calling for James' parents. The fear he had felt...

Remus... His Remus.

It wasn't just the werewolf's behavior that had changed. His had changed, too. He didn't realize it at first. It had been a slow, gradual transformation, invisible to the naked eye, but which had ended up blowing up in his face over the summer.

\----------

 _All right, James blamed him for being too much of a mother hen with Remus. But that was normal, wasn't it? To worry about your_ _sick_ _friends? Just like it was okay to think they were handsome... It was true that Remus came from a long way down in terms of beauty! When they first met, he looked like a sick chick: skinny, with an ugly haircut, and perched on legs that were way too long for him. And, over the years, Remus had become more and more attractive, and he had noticed it. It wasn't a crime! Besides, he also found James charming! If he had to hang out with people, he might as well be glad they were pleasant to look at... If Peter was handsome too, he would be even happier. Rather than having to put up with his ugly butt-face..._

Yeah. That's what he said to himself at the beginning of the holidays. Not very glorious... He had just tried to turn a blind eye. To protect himself as best he could.

Then, over the summer, he realized he had just been lying to himself. A big fat lie that finally blew up in his face.

He remembered the moment perfectly.

As always during the summer holidays, they had all met at James' house and had finally escaped the summer heat by going swimming in the river that bordered the Potters' mansion. Remus had undressed before entering the water, and Sirius had felt his belly twist as his eyes slid down his body to finally detail the fall of his lower back. Then they bathed, heckled in the water and Sirius finally carried Remus in his arms in an attempt to throw him into the water after he splashed him.

He had tried.

But he couldn't.

He had frozen when he saw Remus' radiant face a few centimeters away from his own, his hair appearing blond in the light. His laughter, the little dimples that had formed on his cheeks, the way his pointed nose had wrinkled, the way his eyes had closed as he let himself be carried around, abandoning himself in his arms… All these things... All those little details that made him realize how he felt about him. That had caused his lower abdomen to become very warm and made him say two words accidentally. Two words that had later accompanied him throughout his stay with the other marauder.

"Oh, shit."

It wasn't a joke. He could really sum up every moment with Remus with just those two words.

Remus coming out of the water and brushing his hair back as tiny drops of water dripped on his hairless chest: "Oh shit."

Remus offering to share a Popsicle, "Oh, shit."

Remus sleeping with him on the mattress at the foot of James' bed: "Oh shit."

"Oh, shit", indeed.

\----------

From that day on, his heart was a mess.

He hadn't tried anything, of course. Remus wasn't gay. He knew it. So, unless he could date the other Gryffindor, he was content to take care of him. He tried to be an exemplary friend, even if it was sometimes hard to contain himself.

He just hoped it would pass in time.

"Mr Black. Looking for someone?"

Sirius was startled, suddenly drawn from his thoughts by Mrs. Pomfrey. As he pondered, his footsteps had naturally led him to the infirmary, the place Remus was most likely to frequent at this time of the month.

"Uh, yes. I'm looking for Remus. Is he here?"

"No. Mr Lupin isn't here. He hasn't visited me in a few days, by the way. Is he okay?"

"I don't know. He left the table earlier and Peter told me he looked sick. I thought he'd come to see you."

"No. I'm sorry, but he didn't. If you find him and he's not feeling well, bring him to me, okay? It's best not to leave him untreated right now. We're only a week away from... Well, you know."

"Yes, I know, Mrs. Pomfrey. I'll try to find him and bring him to you."

Sirius smiled at the nurse before he turned back. Damn. Where the hell did Remus go? Usually he went straight to the infirmary when he was feeling ill. It wasn't normal. He had a bad feeling before he pulled himself together. No, he wasn't going to start freaking out right away. James was right, he was worrying about Remus too much. Maybe Remus had just gone to bed. These days he was sleeping a lot.

He went to check anyway, going up the seven floors that separated him from the other Gryffindors' dormitories to find their room empty. A shiver ran down his spine. It was really not normal for Remus. He wasn't the type to leave without warning. Perhaps he had gone to the bathroom because of his nausea...

The inspection of their lavatory was the beginning of a very long journey through the entire castle. After checking them, Sirius inspected the showers, then the dormitory again, and then the bathrooms on all floors. He then inspected all the libraries, went back to the dormitory and then to the infirmary in case Remus had been there in the meantime.

But he wasn't there.

Distraught, Sirius returned to the Great Hall in search of James and Peter, but they were also nowhere to be found.

Damn it. What the hell was going on?

Something was very wrong.

Anxious, he began to turn in the corridors on the ground floor, wandering like a ghost as his eyes examined every face he came across, hoping to recognize his friend. He even ended up shouting his name as he walked around the large courtyard despite the rain, hoping to find Remus under the arcades.

But no one answered him.

Remus seemed to have vanished into thin air.

"Are you looking for Remus?"

Sirius turned, surprised. A Ravenclaw was staring at him, a big smile stuck to her lips.

Who was she? How did she know his Remus?

The girl noticed his scowling face and laughed, of a laugh that Sirius found unpleasant. She continued:

"I think I saw him outside. Two hours ago."

"Where did you see him?"

"Near the Quidditch field. I was on my way to practice with my team. But when I got back to the castle, I didn't see him anymore. He probably left because of the rain."

Sirius was silent for a moment. Remus was outside? By himself? That wasn't like him. He barely thanked the Ravenclaw with a quick nod before he turned tail.

But he heard the girl's voice again.

"I hope you find him. It's dangerous to leave him alone right now."

Sirius' blood froze. He quickly turned to her. What did she just say? Did she know about Remus' secret? Who the hell was she?

The Ravenclaw laughed again. She seemed strangely amused by the situation.

"I'm talking about the storm. If he didn't come back and he's out there all alone, he might catch a cold. He gets ill very often."

And, without giving him time to answer, she disappeared behind the corner of the wall. Sirius stood for a moment staring at the now empty corridor, confused, before suddenly shivering.

He was convinced that she had just made fun of him.

Fuck. This time he was sure something terrible was happening. His instincts weren't wrong. Not about that girl. Nor about Remus.

He was about to follow her when thunder rumbled in the distance, finally making him turn back. He would deal with her later. For now, he had to find Remus.

He quickly reached the exit of the castle, putting his cloak on his shoulders as he stared at the park.

How was he going to find Remus with that storm?

That storm...

Oh, Merlin, it was the storm!

It was _the_ storm!

The one they'd been waiting for over a month with James and Peter!

The fifth step! The storm that finished the potion to become an Animagus!

A month and a half earlier, they had completed the first four steps. They had kept this damn mandrake leaf in their mouths for a month before putting it in a vial that they had then hidden each one on their side. Then they had merely repeated the incantation " _Amato Animo Animagus_ " as indicated at sunrise and sunset until they felt a second heartbeat as they pointed their wand at their chest. And there it was finally the fifth step: "As soon as the first flash of lightning appears in the sky, go immediately to the place where you have hidden your crystal vial. If you have followed the above steps carefully, you will find a blood-red potion."

It was time to become an Animagus!

A violent flash of lightning interrupted his moment of joy and Sirius stopped, staring up at the sky from the castle.

Should he warn the others? And Remus? Shouldn't he go look for him first?

...No. The instructions said to go there at the first lightning. So, there was no time to lose. James and Peter must have noticed the storm too and had probably already gone to get their vials. For Remus, it might be easier to find him once he had turned into an animal. Along with the instructions, they had come across a second source about animagi that had given them a rough idea of what they would look like when transformed. Thus, Sirius knew he would be a canine. What species exactly, he didn't know, but in any case, he could move faster on all fours, or even track Remus with his nose!

Okay. First, he was going to take the potion, then he was going to transform himself into a killer animal to go after Remus. He was gonna find him, pretend to be a hero, snog him and...

All right, well, maybe he wasn't going to snog him.

But everything else in his plan seemed perfectly consistent.

Wasting no more time, Sirius rushed off, running like crazy to fetch his vial. The place had to be quiet, shady and preserved from any human presence, so he chose to hide it in the forbidden forest, to be sure that nothing would disturb the process. At the time, he didn't think it was too risky. He had gone there on a very clear full moon, with James and Peter waiting for him nearby. The location he had chosen, a sunken windfall on the edge of the forest, a clear, tree-covered area, had looked safe to him. Even charming. He remembered admiring the play of light created by the branches.

Now that it was dark and he knew he was alone, everything seemed much gloomier. And he was beginning to think that he'd made a mistake in choosing this place.

A noise came from deep in the woods and Sirius stood still for a moment, frowning, trying to see something between the trees.

But he saw nothing. And no more sound disturbed the silence. The forest seemed empty of all creatures, except for a few little spiders wandering here and there.

Sirius cast a _Lumos_ and stepped over a few stumps covered with cobwebs. He walked a little deeper into the woods until he approached a lying tree with a large hole in its trunk, the light from his wand eventually reflected on the polished surface of the bottle.

Great. It was still there.

The chrysalis of the Death-Head Sphinx that he had added in the second step was there too. But the butterfly hadn't come out. Was that normal? There was nothing in the procedure to indicate whether the butterfly should hatch or not.

Sirius lifted the vial, holding it up to his nose to observe it. The potion was a very dark red. It was hard for him to tell if it was blood red or not. But well... He appeared to have followed all the steps well.

He hesitated for a moment before looking around. Everything seemed calm to him. And anyway, he didn't feel like drinking the potion in the castle or outside the forest in this stormy weather. He cast two protection spells just for the sake of conscience. Then he removed the cork before pointing his wand at his heart.

" _Amato Animo Animagus_."

He drank the potion in one go.

The effect was almost immediate. A sharp pain came over his whole body and he let go of his wand, falling to the ground, moaning and shivering. He closed his eyes, crying out in pain as his head, about to explode, emptied itself of its thoughts, leaving only the image of a large black dog to appear. He put a hand to his temples and his fingers got lost in a thick fur as he felt his nose and mouth become deformed. Was it supposed to hurt this much? The first transformation was painful. He knew that. But now... He'd never been in so much pain before. Never before. In his whole life.

No... He didn't have to worry... He was going to be fine... The pain would subside.

Except it didn't. After what seemed like an eternity, Sirius still hadn't fully transformed. Only his head appeared to have metamorphosed. From the few instructions he'd been given, he was convinced it wasn't normal.

He finally retrieved his wand before he struggled to straighten up. He was in pain and everything was too strange. His perception of the world had just changed. Hundreds of new stimuli were assailing him, turning his head. He discovered, stupid as it was, that everything had a smell. And it was horrible. He felt like someone was burying his face into humus and dried grass. He sniffed the sap from the trees so violently that it seemed to run directly into his nose. And there was this strong, musky scent. Almost disgusting. What was it?

He sniffed his arm before wincing. 

That was him.

Sirius growled, trying to hold his breath as he held his hands to his now all-too-sensitive ears. All it took was a vole passing by to make him feel as if it was running through his head. From the insects on the ground to the wind in the trees, he felt as if all the sounds of nature had combined to resonate in his skull like timpani.

A violent headache made him lose his balance and he had to hold himself against a tree, almost missing it because of his new perception of distances. His field of vision had doubled, but everything seemed to have lost depth and sharpness.

He observed the rest of his body, for a moment.

Something must have gone wrong... Maybe the butterfly should have hatched... Maybe the potion shouldn't have been so dark...

He tried to concentrate, to think about his human form to reverse his transformation, but nothing happened. He just got dizzy again.

In the sensory chaos that now seemed to surround him, a noise louder than the others caught his attention. A kind of clicking sound, coming from the left, behind the trees. Sirius turned his head, finally lighting up with his wand before holding his breath, blocking the overflow of odors to try to concentrate only on his sight and hearing.

He had the impression that something was walking. Something huge... Sirius squinted his eyes before suddenly freezing.

A spider almost as big as him was moving between the trees, just a few meters away. Followed by another... and another.

What the hell was that?

Another tarantula came from behind and tried to pounce on him. But the spells he had cast prevented it from approaching, forming like a force field around him. Sirius screamed and took a few steps back. He raised his wand in panic and tried to cast a spell on it. But nothing came out of his mouth except a bark. Merlin's beard. He couldn't speak. And nonverbal spells weren't taught until the sixth grade.

Now he was in deep shit.

The spider rattled its mandibles and Sirius' ears almost burst. He could now perceive them, those clicking sounds, those hundreds of clicking sounds that seemed to come from all sides, getting closer to him.

In panic, the Gryffindor hesitated for a moment about what to do about the situation. Should he stay here, safe behind his protective shell, or should he run away? The tarantula solved the dilemma by striking the barrier again, cracking it.

...At the same time, he had always sucked at defense spells.

The arrival of two more spiders gave him a whiplash and Sirius flew into the woods, crossing the barrier he had created to escape. His run forced him to take deep breaths. The strong smells of rain, moss and rotting wood filled his lungs, making him want to vomit. He stumbled several times, his animal vision preventing him from seeing properly while it was impossible for him to know where the monsters chasing him were, the sounds of his own footsteps deafening him.

It was a real hell.

The sight of the large lawn of the park a few meters away gave him an adrenaline rush. He managed to get out of the forest, continuing to run on the soaked grass before being forced to stop, out of breath. A spider that had followed him closely had tried to get out as well, but a large magical fence seemed to protect the edge of the forest.

In retrospect, it seemed logical, but now he breathed a sigh of relief, believing in a true miracle.

Sirius' legs buckled and he collapsed into the mud. His whole body was in pain. He could feel the blood pounding through his temples. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back, trying as best he could to put his mind in order.

Holy Gargoyle... He'd almost died. He almost fucking died. This forest was definitely dangerous.

Merlin's beard, he was a fucking idiot. Of course, this forest was dangerous. It was called "The Forbidden Forest". What did he expect? He should never have gone there...

At least now he could be sure he would never set foot in it again.

He still wondered if Dumbledore knew about it. That there were giant spiders roaming the forest.

A loud thunderclap made him look up at the sky. It was a violent storm. It was dangerous to stay here. It was better to go back to the castle. Especially since he was worried about his health. He seemed to be stuck in his Animagus form. Well... His Animagus form... He had just become the perfect incarnation of the god Anubis.

He tried to take human form again, but fatigue prevented him from concentrating. Sighing, he finally came to his senses. Everything had gone wrong and he needed help. He had to go to the infirmary. To see Pomfrey and McGonagall. He had no choice.

He sat up, completely exhausted, his gaze turning for a moment to the Quidditch's stadium.

Remus...

He wasn't far from where Remus was last seen. But the other Gryffindor must have already left the scene. He probably got somewhere safe. At least he hoped he did.

Sirius hesitated for a moment before he finally straightened up and walked with an uncertain step towards the castle. No matter how much he reasoned, he had the impression that he couldn't abandon the mission he had given himself. With each step, he turned and looked all around him in the hope of seeing the other boy. As if Remus would suddenly appear before him. He even tried to use his nose by closing his eyes to focus on his smell. He made every effort to remember exactly what Remus smelled like, to compare it with all the other smells he could detect. But he found nothing. If Remus had indeed been there, his scent had vanished with the arrival of the rain, replaced by the scent of wet earth and grass.

He opened his eyes again, disappointed. If his ugly dog's head had been able to produce tears, he would have cried. How could he have thought that finding him would be so easy? Maybe Remus hadn't even disappeared. Maybe he was reading in the warmth of the castle somewhere. Maybe they kept passing each other, missing each other while he was looking for him...

Fuck's sake. All the time he was just imagining a fucking story, with his stupid hunches. James was right. When it came to Remus, he was completely out of his mind. Everything he'd done so far was ridiculously reckless and immature.

When he had this time definitively thrown in the towel, a light caught his attention about ten meters away, in the middle of darkness. Someone was using his wand to make a light at the top of a hill.

Sirius thought his heart was about to come out of his chest. It had started beating so hard.

Was it Remus? Had he finally done the right thing by listening to himself? Had being completely paranoid served him well for once?

Even if it wasn't Remus, the person must have needed help to be there, alone, in the middle of a storm. Maybe it was James... Or Peter... Maybe their transformation went just as badly...

He walked towards the glow, accelerating his pace little by little until he finally ran towards it.

He wanted to know. He wanted to know if he was right or wrong.

He soon reached the bottom of the hill, panting, watching the silhouette at the top. The mysterious stranger a few feet higher almost had his back turned to him. He looked like he was in bad shape and was wavering, as if he would shortly collapse.

Sirius was about to signal his presence when the man finally turned around and faced him, his wand brandished in front of him, finally revealing his face.

Sirius froze. Despite the mud and terror that distorted his features, he was instantly recognizable.

The face of the one he loved.

For a brief second, he felt as if everything had been put back in its place.

"REMUS!"

He had wanted to shout his name, but nothing had come out of his throat except a howl. Sirius didn't pay much attention, however, completely focused on his friend, who was shaking like a leaf. What the hell was he doing there? Why was he in such a state? What had happened to him? Had he been mugged? Attacked? Oh, Merlin, Remus. His Remus.

He climbed up the slope to try to get closer to him. Why did he look so frightened? He'd never seen him like this... With his eyes so wide open...

Why was he running for his life...?

...SHIT!

"Remus!"

New scream, new howl. Reality hit him hard. It was him who terrorized Remus. He'd come out in the middle of a thunderstorm with a bloody dog's head! Of course, there was something to panic about! How could he make him realize it was him? That he wasn't in any danger?

Maybe it was better to let his friend go. Let Remus lose him so he could go back to the castle alone.

Hesitantly, he slowed down for a moment, stopping at the top of the hill to see where Remus was heading. The latter had descended the slope before running in a straight line... towards the forbidden forest.

"FUCK! REMUS! COME HERE!"

Sirius went after him. He ran down the slope at full speed, which, in this stormy weather, was a big mistake: his foot eventually slipped in the mud and he fell backwards, yelping before rolling down the hill.

Uh...It was painful...

He opened his eyes with difficulty, swallowing before observing Remus, who had also fallen to the ground. Poor thing... He must have hurt himself. Damn. Everything was getting worse. Nothing was happening as he had planned. He absolutely had to get back to normal. To stop scaring him. Remus looked so scared. He had to change back... change back... He had to breathe. Yeah, he had to breathe. To clear his mind.

He closed his eyes, trying to concentrate, imagining his human form. He felt the pain again, the same pain that had invaded him after drinking the vial, spreading through his body, shaking his muscles. It hurt...It hurt so much...

But it was working. He could feel his mouth shrinking, taking on human form gradually. He could feel his fur diminishing in volume, turning into flesh... Yes. It was working.

...Oh, no. It wasn't working at all.

He felt like he was imploding, like his whole body was burning him. His vision became blurry. His body became covered in sweat. He felt a sharp pain at the tips of his hands and brought them as close to his face as possible so that he could see claws continually coming in and out of his fingers, fur covering his phalanges before they became hairless again. Everything seemed to repeat itself ad infinitum. He felt as if he had entered a kind of loop. Was it dangerous? Was he going to die? He looked up at Remus for a moment. He couldn't see his face, but he could see from his position that he was paralyzed.

Worse. A sour smell had invaded his nostrils, and it didn't take him long to realize that what he smelled was his terror.

Remus reeked of terror.

If only he could tell him that everything was going to be okay... that he was going to take care of him... How could he make his friend recognize him?

Moaning, he looked at his hands again before he was drawn to the brightness of his ring. His ring... It was the memory of a distant ancestor, one of the few members of the Black family who wasn't a complete bastard. He'd been wearing it his whole life. Remus knew that ring. Maybe if he showed it to Remus, he'd recognize it...

He screamed as he finally gave up on his initial form, the pain invading him one last time before diminishing to a tolerable level as his head regained canine features. Straightening up with difficulty, he looked up at Remus. This time it was the smell of piss that reached his nose. Oh crap. Did he piss himself because of him?

Remus...

"Leave me alone..."

Sirius' heart was broken. Remus' voice was muffled, desperate. It sounded like he was about to collapse as he backed away.

"Leave me alone..."

If only he could leave him alone. But if he let him go, Remus would surely take refuge in the forest.

He had to try to resolve the situation before it got too bad.

He reached out his arm towards Remus, trying to show him his ring. But Remus didn't even seem to notice, trying to cast a spell on him with his broken wand.

" _Stupefy_!"

The spell had no effect and Sirius almost felt sorry for his friend. He looked so desperate; his eyes fixed on his wand. Shit... He was never going to get it...

"... _Locomotor Wibbly_! _Incararcerem_! _Nebulus_!"

He was surprised by the threefold spell Remus cast on him, and the latter took the opportunity to flee into the forest. He seemed to have suddenly regained his strength. Fortunately, his broken wand screwed up everything, otherwise, he would have immobilized Sirius for good. He had little trouble getting rid of the thin rope that had wrapped around his legs. Although he worried at first about the fog, he finally realized that not seeing anything was not really a problem. He could hear the creaking of the branches under Remus's footsteps and the loud sound of his breathing meters away. Better yet, he could smell Remus. Whether it was the smell of fear or the smell of urine, he could now track him.

Was it because he had given up transforming himself that his senses had become disciplined? It seemed to him that once he had accepted his new body, it had calmed down.

Remus had blinded himself, and that gave him the advantage. If he managed to find him and then immobilize him, he might be able to stick the ring under his nose and Remus would understand that he was not a danger.

Either way, he had no choice. They were in the forbidden forest now.

There was no way he'd leave Remus alone in that place.

Even though he couldn't use the nonverbal spells, Sirius pulled out his wand. Hopefully, in action, his wizard's instinct would take over and he would succeed in casting a few spells.

" _Stupefy_!"

He jolted. Remus had just missed him. Waving his wand, Sirius attempted to throw a _Petrificus totalus_ but missed the werewolf, who ran like a rabbit through the trees. Shit. He didn't even know if his spells would work, and he had to aim like a blind man.

To make things worse, the fog intensified until it became opaque white. Sirius had to stop running. They were getting closer to the center of the forest and the trees were becoming too abundant, forcing him to grope his way forward. Colored streaks came and went, sometimes almost touching him. Spells that Remus seemed to cast with spades.

An explosion rang out and Sirius' heart missed a beat. Using his nose and his hearing, he tried to find his friend, reaching out his arms to warn himself of obstacles. Then a warm light allowed him to see his surroundings again. A burning tree. No. Not just a tree...

Part of the forest was burning.

" _Bombarda Maxima_!"

Remus had just screamed a few feet away. Sirius saw his silhouette cut through the trees, lit by a white flash.

Then everything turned grayish and there was only the smell of fire.

Remus had lost control. Obeying only his own terror, he had set fire to the deepest part of the wood, the dry trees with intertwined branches that spread the flames at breakneck speed.

Sirius was already suffocating because of his nose. He felt as if the flames were licking his lungs.

They were going to die if they stood there much longer.

A scream made him raise his head. Behind a column of fire, Remus was there, trying to escape the blaze. Despite the flames that asphyxiated him, Sirius started running again to follow him, watching for the fateful instant when he could pounce on him.

He thought he had found the right moment when a flaming branch blocked Remus' path, causing him to lower his weapon as he frantically searched for another path. This was his chance. In a sharp movement, Sirius threw himself in front of Remus and took advantage of the surprise effect to try to step over the flames.

But curiously Remus was faster.

Sirius saw him draw his wand and shout these terrible words. Those forbidden words.

"Endoloris! Endoloris! Endoloris!"

There was the sensation of being stabbed and then thrown backwards as if a spear had impaled him and then taken him with it to finish its trajectory. He didn't even feel the soil beneath his back as he crashed to the ground. No more external stimuli reached him. As if after a bomb had exploded, he had become deaf and blind. In fact, for a few seconds, he felt nothing, nothing except for this hole that had dug itself into his chest.

Then came the pain.

Hundreds of arrows had just shot through his body. He was certain of it. He could feel each of his organs piercing, each of his veins opening. He suffered the delirious pain caused by the spikes that punctured his eyelids, the blood in his throat that they penetrated by dozens. They crossed him, notching his ribs, making small bones chips slip everywhere in his flesh. They pushed their sharp extremities into his armpits and the end of his sex.

Sirius wanted to shout but he did not succeed. Nothing could come out of his throat. No relief was allowed to him as he stood still in silent pain. His bladder, stomach, liver, and lungs were bristling with stings, causing dozens of fluids to mix in his body as his organs emptied of their juices.

If he could talk, he would have begged to be targeted even once more. To end his suffering.

But no one came to his rescue and he was trapped deep inside his own body.

Until the end of time.

\----------

It was a burning sensation that brought him back to reality.

Sirius slowly opened his eyes, before grunting as he felt sweat dripping from under his eyelids. His belly contracted and he clumsily straightened up to spit blood. His mouth was full of blood. He had bitten his tongue as he fell.

He remained seated, his eyes lost in the haze, before a smell of burning caught his attention. His cape was catching fire. The flames had caught up with him. Despite the urgency, he was slow to react, finally taking off his cape and letting it burn. The fire had invaded the forest. It was dangerous to stay here. He was aware of that.

Yet he couldn't move. He felt like he was having a dream. That he didn't really exist.

In fact, to be more specific, he felt like he was dead.

He watched the fire progress until the toxic fumes made him cough violently.

It was best to leave...

What had he come here for again?

He held a hand to his face for a moment, confused, his fingers wiping the sweat from his forehead.

He had regained his human form.

That was nice... That way he wouldn't scare R...

"REMUS!"

He looked around him in a panic like he suddenly came to his senses. Where was Remus? He couldn't see him. He couldn't hear him. Was he dead?

Eventually, he came to a spot that was untouched by the flames, facing a small ravine crossed by a stream. That's where he saw him, lying on the rocks.

He almost threw himself into the void, running down the slope, rushing at his friend as he almost collapsed on top of him because of the impulse he had taken. Remus was motionless and blood was spurting from his forehead.

"Remus! Hold on! I'm going to get you out of here! I'm gonna get you out of here!"

Sirius grabbed Remus' body and carried it in his arms, crossing the river with him. The coolness of the water opposed the infernal heat that now reigned in the undergrowth. It gave Sirius enough strength to speed up his pace, making his way through the still intact trees to get out of the forest safely about ten minutes later.

"This is it... This is it, Remus. We made it out of there. We made it..."

"Sirius..."

"Remus..."

The werewolf looked like a mess. Sirius sat down in the wet grass and held him close. His eyes couldn't help but detail his face. His face swollen with blood and mud.

It was all because of him.

"Sirius, we have to get out of here... There's a monster..."

Remus seemed severely delirious. He spoke without interruption, sometimes in such a weak voice that Sirius couldn't understand what he was saying to him. He was talking about Greyback. He didn't seem to understand. He didn't understand.

He fainted when Sirius finally found the strength to confess his guilt to him.

"It was me, Remus. It was me."

Sirius stood still, weeping hot tears, ugly sobs as he held Remus in his arms.

"MR BLACK!"

The Gryffindor startled. Dumbledore was there, along with the other teachers. He seemed both worried and angry. The light of the flames echoed through his beard, still red in some places. He glowed like a phoenix.

"IT'S ALL MY FAULT, PROFESSOR!"

He shouted it, sounding so heartrendingly that Dumbledore stopped, visibly surprised. His face seemed to soften for a moment as he ordered Mrs. Pomfrey to seize Remus.

Sirius watched the woman approach, hesitating for a moment before finally loosening his grip, letting Remus pass from his arms to hers. Pomfrey gave him a worried look.

"What happened? Was he cursed?"

"I... I don't know. I don't think so. But he hit his head. Heal him, please."

"Don't worry, Mr Black. He'll be all right."

The nurse straightened up, lifting Remus to hold him against her. Eventually, Slughorn joined her to help her carry the boy.

Dumbledore ordered them to take him to the infirmary before turning to the other teachers.

"Put out the fire before it gets out of hand."

They nodded their heads, pulling out their wands. It reassured Sirius a little to see that the entire teaching staff was on it. With them, the fire would soon be brought under control. Dumbledore pulled him from his thoughts by putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Mr Black. I think it's time you gave me a few explanations."

Sirius looked up at him. He knew he was in big trouble, but he didn't care anymore. Remus was saved. That was all that mattered.

"I'll tell you everything."


	4. Turns and detours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks to fadingintostarlight for helping me with the English translation of this fanfiction. You're doing a great job!

_"Children's sorrows sometimes leave in man a tinge of savagery difficult to erase"_

**Alfred de Vigny**

He was in a dream. Nothing was real.

That's what he was trying to convince himself while Peter levitated him to the ground.

His feet touched the pavement and he soon felt the weight of his own body pressing down on his knees. Yet he still had that floating feeling.

He couldn't anchor himself in reality.

“James. Are you all right?”

He didn't answer, obsessed by the tragic spectacle that was being played two floors down.

Lily had arrived in the lobby, followed closely by Mary and Mulciber. She nervously circulated the Slytherin, watching him from a distance. At times, she tried to approach him but immediately screamed and retreated as if pushed back by an invisible barrier.

“James, I am afraid. What are we going to do?”

James ignored his friend's distress and went down the stairs. His head was spinning. Each step down made his heart beat a little faster.

He arrived in a sweat on the ground floor.

He barely had time to set foot in the hall when Lily pounced on him like a wild animal, ready to throw herself at his throat.

“James! I'm going to ki-”

She didn't finish her sentence, stopping suddenly to stare at the young man, looking troubled.

“James? My God, James, are you all right?”

James did not react. In fact, he couldn't even hear Lily's voice. Everything around him had vanished to make way for nothing but a chilling image: Snape lying on the ground.

The blood streaming from his head kept spreading, swallowing the cobblestones in a dark tide. His body exuded sweat and iron.

 _Was he dead?_ James was afraid to find out. He had to force himself to look at his face.

That's when he saw them. Those two black marbles staring at him.

Severus' eyes stayed wide open.

James froze. Snape's wet gaze seemed to be seeking some precious consolation in his own. As if in his distress he had decided to ignore their barbaric past to cling to him.

A need for intimacy as disturbing as it was sudden.

He swallowed, kneeling beside him. He had no comfort to offer, no reassuring words. So, he just looked at him, revealing his helplessness, hoping that he would find some small satisfaction in this admission of weakness.

A bandage.

A few feet away from him, Lily screamed again. She seemed to be back in charge. So, she ordered Mulciber to find Mrs Promfrey before sending Peter to look for McGonagall. She then spoke actively with Mary, talking at full speed, desperately trying to find out what spells would be most effective in stopping the bleeding.

“We're not being taught enough healing spells! We are not taught how to heal!”

She kept repeating these phrases in a shrill voice. Mary tried, in vain, to calm her down.

Snape broke eye contact with James and unsuccessfully tried to turn his head in her direction. A new pain came over him, like that of an anguished child who couldn't see his mother coming back. Lily's absence made him suffer. James suffered with him.

The girl struggled to save Severus, but she stayed away from him. Worse still, she remained with her back facing the scene. Rigid as a statue, she was content to talk, staring at the wall in front of her. Mary, who stood between them, seemed to act as her shield.

She was also the one who was in charge of casting the healing spells. She walked towards them with an uncertain step, grimacing at the sight of Severus before holding out her wand to him. This gesture panicked the Slytherin, who began to wiggle his arms slightly, trying to reach James. His lips barely moved, and the shock of the fall had silenced him, but James was sure he was calling out to him. He demanded his attention. Or rather, his protection.

As a reflex, he grabbed Snape's outstretched hand, clutching it between his fingers. Ignoring Mary, he called out to the redhead in a stern voice. Seeing her so distant made him sick.

“Why don't you come and do it yourself, Lily?”

Lily raised her head but did not turn. She had wrapped her arms around herself to keep her body from shaking. She took a few seconds to respond, sniffing several times, clearing her throat before finally confessing in a weeping voice.

“I can't...”

“Why?”

“Because I can't stand the sight of blood. If I look at him, I'll faint. I... I know he needs me... But I can't do it. I can't help him, James... I can't help him...”

Her voice broke and she burst into tears. James and Mary exchanged a look of remorse before lowering their eyes to Snape. He was breathing rapidly, like a small animal. A tiny game wounded to death, staring at their hands with a disturbed look on his face. James couldn't tell if he'd been able to follow the conversation. But unless it calmed him down, the situation confused him enough to allow Mary to operate. The Gryffindor slowly nodded his head.

“Go ahead. Do it.”

The girl cast several spells to limit the bleeding. Each time, Severus' icy fingers pressed against his and James felt his heart beat a little harder. It was the first time they had ever touched each other for so long. Usually, they only jostled briefly. But now, he could watch Severus' thin, white hand clinging to his own, his long fingernails getting into his flesh. Their crimson palms rubbing against each other, spreading their blood between them.

Their blood.

Was there a more intimate contact than blood against blood? The most precious liquid. No one was supposed to see it. Certainly not touch it.

Yet they held hands and let it mix.

What a thrilling sensation.

“Severus...”

Despite the pain, was Severus moved as well? Had they managed, for once, to share a feeling other than disgust or anger?

James had never admitted it, but he had always thought they were connected.

He had felt from their first meeting this unbreakable bond between them – this impossible knot to undo.

Five years ago, on the Hogwarts Express, when he and Sirius arrived in that carriage, thinking it was empty. Next to that redheaded girl, that strange boy... The pallor of his face. The unusual angle of his nose...

The deep darkness in his eyes.

The immediate fascination he'd felt for him. That had foolishly driven him to strut in front of him. Because at eleven he was just a stupid child, used to being the center of attention.

He wanted to be the center of _his_ attention.

Dumb provocation. Bitter response.

"You think you're special. But you're not."

Rough, scathing words, like leather straps.

Unconscious Prometheus, Severus had brought fire within him. He had lit an eternal blaze in his chest. Every day he fed the flames. Every day he punished Severus.

He forced him into a distant relationship, based on obsession and bad faith.

Sneaky glances and unsaid words.

Turns and detours.

Severus may have been actively involved in setting up this pattern, but he was not the instigator.

Perhaps it was time to finally ask for his forgiveness.

James pressed his thumb against the Slytherin's palm to get his attention. Then he realized his hand had loosened its grip and was now slipping through his fingers.

“Severus?”

His mouth was ajar, his eyes veiled and his eyelids half-closed.

“Severus?”

James continued to hold his hand, waving it gently to get his attention.

“Hey... -You hear me? Wake up... Do... Do something...”

But Severus didn't move. The situation left James speechless. He put the snake's arm down on the ground before coming to frame his face with his trembling hands. His skin was cold and his lips blue. When James ran his fingers over it, he felt only a faint breath.

In spite of the treatment, he had lost too much blood. His heart would soon stop beating. He was freezing. Turning into a wax doll. Not dead yet, but no longer truly alive.

Eyes wide open, James remained silent.

Then he screamed in horror.

His hands rushed into the pool of blood, desperately trying to push the liquid into the Slytherin's skull.

Lily called him in a panic.

“James! What's going on? What's happening?”

James answered in a strangled voice.

“FUCK, LILY! COME HERE! I THINK SEVERUS IS... HE'S... HE'S...”

He met the terrified look of a young boy and was unable to finish his sentence. Despite the late hour, a small group of Slytherins, some first years apparently, had ventured into the castle. They were all staring at Snape in horror.

Once again, James couldn't find anything to say.

He was no help at all.

Not to these kids.

Nor to Severus.

He broke down in tears.

“GET OUT OF THE WAY!”

The sentence was pronounced at the same time by Promfrey and McGonagall, who each arrived on one side of the hall. Behind them, Mulciber and Peter whimpered in front of the scene.

Promfrey rushed at Severus. The adrenaline gave her incredible strength. Her arm struck James with the power of a bludger, throwing him to the ground.

McGonagall was gentler. She first ordered Mulciber to take the first few years back to their dormitory before she leaned over James, worried.

“M. Potter. You have a bloody nose. Can you breathe?”

James blinked. His cheek had ended up in the blood. He felt the liquid sticking to his face when he nodded.

“I'm okay.”

That wasn't true. The blood mixed with his mucous had ended up in his throat, making it hard to breathe. But it wasn't important. Only Severus mattered.

“Please. Save him.”

The deputy headmistress' thin lips pinched, and she shook her head before turning to the nurse.

“Poppy! Do you need me to assist you?”

Madam Promfrey didn't answer her. Bent over the Severus, she was busy making complicated wand movements while reciting an incredibly long formula. Around them, the blood was flowing back, absorbed by the wound.

The Slytherin's face began to turn colour again. Promfrey turned to McGonagall.

“Help me. Hold him. Lift him so I can see the damage. But be careful, he looks like he has some neck injury.”

“Do we have to take him to St. Mungo’s?”

Madam Promfrey had a short laugh before getting serious.

“I treat four teams of quidditch, Minerva. I'm used to big boo-boos.”

The two women gently lifted his upper body and pulled his hair apart. The fracture at the back of his skull was wide and deep. Still bleeding.

Afraid they would force him away; James hadn't dared to get up. Lying against the tile floor, he had watched them straighten the young man before strangling at the sight of the wound.

Had he done this to him?

Where Severus' head had rested, small splinters shone brightly.

Promfrey snapped her tongue against her palate before casting new spells. The size of the injury diminished, but it did not close. The nurse straightened up.

“I need to get him to the infirmary now. I can’t do more without the proper tools. Come with me, Minerva, I need your help.”

McGonagall nodded. Noticing that James hadn't moved, she approached him one last time.

“Do you need care too?”

“No, Professor. I’m… I’m fine.”

He was having trouble following the conversation. Madam Promfrey was now levitating Snape's body in front of her and the way his inert limbs hung in the air made him uneasy. Professor McGonagall also observed the scene out of the corner of her eye before responding.

“Well…In that case, don't forget to wash and change before going to your dormitory. There's no need to frighten your little friends.”

“Yeah…It will be done.”

“Of course, we'll also have to have a little talk tomorrow. Drop by tomorrow morning before school.”

“Sure…”

The headmistress watched James in silence. Seeing him so docile seemed to worry her. Her strict face softened for a moment.

“Don't worry. Mr. Snape is in good hands. He's going to be all right.”

She almost smiled at him before turning her heels, following Promfrey who had already disappeared into the castle halls.

“James, are you okay?”

Peter took advantage of McGonagall's departure to get close to him and help him up. James reassured him with a brief nod before approaching the girls.

In Mary's arms, Lily was crying.

“You should go to bed,” James whispered.

Lily wanted to turn to him, but Mary stopped her.

“No. Don't look at him. Come with me.”

“Mary's right. Just go.”

It was better if Lily didn’t lay eyes on him. He was covered in blood.

The two girls walked away, and James took a heavy step towards the center of the room. Tiny fragments lay on the floor.

Bone fragments.

He took a tissue out of his pocket and picked them all up before wrapping them up.

“What are you doing, James?”

“I'm putting out the fire, Peter. I'm putting out the fire.”

______________________________________________________________________________

Dumbledore wasn't angry. He was surprisingly warm-hearted. He had invited Sirius into his office, tended to his scrapes and had a house-elf bring a clean uniform which the young man had hastened to put on behind a shelf. Then he served him tea and cakes.

Once again, nothing ever went as he had planned.

“Mr Black. Now that you're well settled, perhaps you could tell me what happened?”

With his mouth full of pastries, Sirius was caught unawares and hastily swallowed it all. Dumbledore pouffed before gently tapping his hand.

“Come on, take your time! Take your time! Don't choke!”

But it was already too late. The young Gryffindor's hamster cheeks had accumulated so much food that he suffocated. Ganache came out of his nose and tears streamed from the corner of his eyes. He owed his salvation only to a small paper towel in which he blissfully blew his nose. Dumbledore laughed. Even Fawkes seemed amused by the situation.

“But you were famished, Mr Black.”

Shame was burning on Sirius' cheeks. He didn't even dare look him in the eye.

“Excuse me, Professor Dumbledore. I'm starving. I think it's because of the dinner I skipped and my... my transformation...”

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, intrigued.

“Your transformation?”

“Yes. Actually, it's a little complicated...”

And Sirius told the headmaster everything: their plan with James and Peter to become animagi and spend the full moon nights with Remus, his disappearance and the hours he'd spent searching for him, the storm, his failed transformation, the giant spiders, the chase and finally the fire. The only detail he did not mention was the use of forbidden spells by Remus. He talked like this for more than fifteen minutes, Dumbledore listening attentively as he sipped his cup of tea.

At the end of his story, the old man put his cup on his desk and remained silent for a few seconds, as if meditating. Sirius wiggled in his chair, uncomfortable. What would happen to him now? Was he going to get detention for the rest of the year? Get expelled? By Merlin, he'd rather have the spiders as flatmates than have to go home. If his parents found out he'd been expelled, he was finished.

At the thought, his whole body tensed up and old wounds opened. No, he couldn't stand it. Feeling his father's heavy cane against his ribs again...

“Well...what a night.”

Sirius closed his eyes. This time the sentence was about to fall. He was finally going to know what was going to happen to him.

“I think you'd better go to bed.”

“Heh?”

His mouth full of lemon pie, Dumbledore smiled at him from across the desk. He ate far too much sugar for his age, it could have had... Oh, for God's sake, why would he think that now? He didn't give a damn about the blood sugar level of the principal! Dumbledore had just asked him to go to bed as if nothing had happened!

“I... Professor Dumbledore... Although I have nothing against the Deus Ex Machina, on the contrary, I love them, I must confess I'm a little... confused. Well, I mean... I've still done some stupid, forbidden things. And you're not punishing me? I' m not saying I should be punished! But it's kind of weird. Or maybe you think it's all Remus's fault? In that case, you're wrong!”

“Mr Black.”

“Remus wasn't in his right mind. He wasn't in control of himself! You know him! You know very well he's an exceptionally nice person. He wouldn't hurt a fly!”

“Mr Black...”

“I'd rather you punish me than him. You can expel me if you want. But, please, leave Remus alone! Apart from his parents he only has this school and-”

“Mr Black!”

Dumbledore banged his fist against the table. Sirius apologised immediately.

“I'm sorry, Professor. I got carried away.”

“It's nothing. I can see all the... affection you have for your _friend_ " - he had a strange smile which Sirius, in his great naivety, did not notice - “and I can assure you that nothing will happen to him. Mr Lupin is in much greater need of care than he is of reprimand. As for you, I never said you wouldn't be disciplined. I said you'd better go to bed. It's already very late and you must be exhausted. I find it very difficult to reprimand someone who has used so much courage to help a friend. But you've indeed broken a lot of rules. Therefore, Professor McGonagall will give you a proper punishment tomorrow.”

He paused, laughing at the horrified look on Sirius' face before resuming.

“Don't worry about it. You won't be expelled. But I think you're in for a real rough time. So, I'm going to give Gryffindor 50 points for your incredible courage and a great sense of friendship” - he winked at Sirius – “to limit the damage.”

“I... Thank you very much, Professor Dumbledore.”

“You're welcome. Would you like me to escort you back to your dormitory?”

“No, that's all right, Professor. I'll go by myself.”

\------

After walking through the entire castle, he finally reached the Gryffindors' dormitory. He was going to be able to find James and Peter. Damn, he hoped everything had gone well for them. Had they managed to become animagi?

He was so excited to see them.

“James! Peter!”

He had rushed like a madman into the room, shouting their names at the top of his lungs before lighting one of the lamps with a wave of his wand.

“Guys! Wake up! I've found him!”

“What? You found Remus? Is he okay?”

Peter had gotten up in bed at the news of Sirius, looking worried. Oddly enough, despite the late hour, he was wide awake. He usually slept like a log. Sirius nodded frantically.

“Yeah, I found him! And no, he's not very well. But it's super complicated to explain. Something crazy happened to me, Peter! Wait! We have to wake up James, too! He needs to hear this!”

“It's best to let him sleep, Sirius. He's not... he's not himself.”

“Are you kidding me? Hey! James! James!”

Even stranger than Peter's insomnia was the fact that the curtains on James' baldachin were closed. Sirius swiftly pulled them aside. Under the covers, James was motionless. But he wasn't sleeping. Lying on his back, he gazed vaguely at the canopy of the bed. His fists resting on his belly were clenched around what appeared to be a red cloth purse. Sirius raised an eyebrow in front of the scene but continued to speak.

“Fuck, James, I thought you were asleep! Didn't you hear me or what? I found him! He's in the infirmary!”

“I know.”

With an inexpressive face, James spoke in a dull voice. He didn't even lay eyes on him. Sirius gave him a dubious look. Did James know about Remus? How could he have known? Something was wrong.

“What do you mean “you know”?”

“It's because of me that he's in there.”

“What? You're the reason Remus is in the infirmary?”

“Severus.”

“Seve... What?”

“He's in the infirmary because of me.”

Sirius blinked in disbelief. It couldn't be. James was joking with him.

“Wait. I tell you I finally found Remus and you're talking about Snivellus?”

“Don't call him that.”

“What?”

“Snivellus. Don't call him that.”

A very bad joke, obviously.

“You've got to be fucking kidding me, James. This can't be happening! I tell you I finally found Remus, and this is your answer! Hello! I found Remus! You know, one of your best friends, the fourth marauder, the one who's been missing since dinner! I think something terrible has happened to him!”

“Sorry. I didn't notice he was missing.”

This time Sirius was stunned. Peter tried to stop him, but he blocked him, throwing him backwards with a strong arm. It wasn't up to Peter to explain. Besides, there was nothing to explain. The situation was intolerable. He had a right to be angry. He had a right to explode.

“No way, James. You're not that stupid, are you?”

“I've had other worries, Sirius.”

“That's right, Sirius, there's been a lot of-”

“Shut the fuck up, Peter! I don't give a fuck what happened! You didn't even realize Remus was missing! You... Did you at least check your vials?”

“Our... vials?” Peter repeated hesitantly.

“Yes, your vials! I remind you that we've been getting up at dawn for more than a month to repeat an incantation at each sunrise and sunset, to become animagi. We were supposed to wait for the storm to transform. And, surprise, it took place right after dinner!”

This time James stared briefly at Sirius before exchanging a silent glance with Peter. Within seconds, Sirius' features contracted into a scornful pout, very similar to his father's. He realized this.

It only made him angrier.

“You didn't even think about it.”

Once again, he felt like he was becoming Orion Black. The feeling repelled him. James and Peter probably didn't realize it, but they pushed him to become like a man he didn't like. He hated them for that.

Although ashamed, Peter still tried to explain himself.

“To be honest, we didn't even notice there was a storm, and.-”

Sirius interrupted him with a sharp gesture.

“I've heard enough. I'm out of here.”

It was better to leave before things got out of hand. He was in enough trouble as it was.

He stormed out of the dormitory, slamming the door behind him.

“Hey! Sirius!”

“What the fuck do you want?”

Sirius' aggressive tone startled the boy who had greeted him warmly. He raised his hands in the air, moving back a few steps.

“Whoa. Calm yourself. I come in peace.”

Sirius cast a murderous glance at him before finally settling down. They hadn't spoken often, but he knew his name. Calvin Hooper. Sprout's favorite. Probably the most gifted student of botany at Hogwarts. He was skinny and blond, with a triangular face. His bulging eyes were surprisingly red. Was he allergic or something?

“I'm sorry, Calvin. I'm a little… upset.”

“Don't worry. It’s okay. What's going on? Did you get kicked out of your dorm?”

“Well... Yes. I kicked myself out, actually.”

“Oh, that's dumb.”

“Yeah, that's...That's dumb.”

Very dumb actually. Where was he going to sleep tonight?

“Do you want to come with us? We're having a little party with my friends.”

“Well... Yeah, I'd like that.”

Hopefully, it'd cheer him up a little. And anyway, it wasn't like he had anything better to do. He wasn't going to spend the night standing in the middle of the hallway.

The blond boy guided him to the door of his dormitory.

“We soundproofed the door with spells. Get ready to come in quickly so you don't make too much noise. Don't let the prefect hear us.”

“Okay.”

“Come on. One, two, three!”

Calvin quickly opened the door before he pushed him in. The room was filled with music, laughter and smoke. Sirius could barely distinguish the faces of the other boys, who greeted him with surprised "Hello". They smoked long cigarettes that gave off a strange, round, sweet smell, very different from that of tobacco. Sirius showed one to Calvin, looking intrigued.

“That, my friend,” Calvin replied, "is magic weed. Come on, sit with us.”

Three other students were sitting in a circle in the middle of the room. A curly redhead, a tall black guy, and a short dark-haired boy with Asian features. Sirius sat next to Calvin.

“Sirius, I introduce you in order: Zachary Johnson, Yoann Beauchamp and Grady Dinh. The others: the great, the famous, Sirius Black.”

All three greeted him again with a cheerful smile. Sirius laughed.

“It's nice of you to talk about me like that, but I'm nothing special.”

“Are you kidding or what? We're fans of all the shit you do with your friends. Like that time you hung the Slytherins by their underpants at the chandelier in the hallway. That was genius!”

“Haha. Thank you! I have to admit it was a good idea. It was mine, by the way. Hey, what the hell is this?”

This time he pointed to a massive, rectangular object that produced music.

“This”, Zachary said with a bit of amusement, “is a stereo system we've bewitched. You can't imagine what a mess it was to sneak it into the castle. You like music, Sirius? Listen to it. Listen to the music and tell me if you like it.”

Sirius fell silent and listened. A man was singing in a soft voice to a rock tune.

_So, so you think you can tell_

_Heaven from Hell,_

_Blue skies from pain._

_Can you tell a green field_

_From a cold steel rail?_

_A smile from a veil?_

“I love it” replied Sirius. “Is it a witch band?”

“No. It's a Muggle band, the Pink Floyd. The best band of all time. You don't know the Pink Floyd?”

“I've never heard of them.”

Zachary and Yoann exchanged shocked looks. Calvin laughed on his side, amicably putting his hand on Sirius' shoulder.

“I think we've got a lot to teach you. Starting with this.”

He took the joint out of Grady's hands and handed it to him. Sirius took it and rolled it through his fingers.

“Magical weed, right?”

“Yeah. It's for relaxing, enjoying music. We buy it from a Ravenclaw. What's his name again? Xenopolus Lovefood?”

“Xenophilius Lovegood,” corrected Grady.

“Yeah, that's it. Xenophilius Lovegood. He says smoking it helps you see wrackspurts or something like that. You want to see some wrackspurts, Sirius?”

“Well… Yeah. I guess.”

“So, take a big drag on that joint and hold your breath as long as you can.”

Sirius hesitated for a moment before bringing the joint to his lips. The smoke burned his throat, but he held his breath for about ten seconds before choking. Then he coughed for a long time. Yoann and Zachary applauded him, Grady and Calvin patted him on the back to help him spit.

“Don't worry, it'll pass,” Calvin reassured him. “Soon you'll feel good. Come on. Take another one.”

Calvin didn't lie. A few puffs later, Sirius was lying on the cushions in the middle of the dormitory and laughing as he stared at the ceiling, completely euphoric. The _Wish You Were Here_ song was playing on a loop. Yoann would refill his glass with whiskey that Calvin had stolen from his parents. He kept bragging about it, giggling.

“I managed to bring it back to the castle by pouring it into different vials. I made it look like mandrake juice!”

They all laughed. Sirius clumsily grabbed the glass and brought it to his lips. Half the alcohol spilled on his face, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore. The drugs had drained him of all his anger. He finally felt at peace with himself.

He closed his eyes, concentrating on the music, repeating the lyrics.

_And did they get you to trade_

_Your heros for ghosts?_

_Hot ashes for trees?_

_Hot air for a cool breeze?_

_Cold comfort for change?_

_And did you exchange_

_A walk on part in the war_

_For a lead role in a cage?_

His body was getting heavier and heavier. His thoughts were fading.

_How I wish, how I wish you were here._

_We're just two lost souls_

_Swimming in a fishbowl,_

_Year after year,_

_Running over the same old ground._

_What have we found?_

_The same old fears._

_Wish you were here_

Except one.

“I wish Remus was here…”

“What did he say?” Grady asked.

Yoann shrugged his shoulders while lighting his joint.

“No idea.”

The boys ignored him, starting to laugh again. Sirius put his glass down, repeating a lower tone.

“I wish Remus was here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that chapter. If you have any criticisms, don't hesitate!


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